I'm not doing this because it is being done everywhere. On FB, twitter and every possible social platform.
I'm not doing this because I want people to know how profoundly it hurt me, how much it shook me up.
I'm doing this simply because I want to. Because it is like a boiling lava inside of me, and its time for it to come out.
26/11. I saw it. You saw it. The whole world saw it.
Saw, and sympathised. Saw, and got worked up. Saw, and demanded for something to be done.
But for me, it was different. I can't explain it. and I'm not saying that you are all cold souls for not feeling it as much as I did. No. It was just...different.
The first time I saw the news flash across the TV screen, I froze. VERY unlike me, for I generally have storng reactions towards anything and everything. I just sat there, unblinking.
I don't have any loved ones in Mumbai. Ones who I'd be scared for, ones whose loss would shatter me.
but it still happened. The hurt. It was almost like a PHYSICAL ailment.
I sat there for a long time, a hollow expression on my face, not wanting to look, but not wanting to look away either.
And then....I broke down. Where it came from, I have NO clue. But I did. Cried like someone close had died.
But someone/something HAD, right ?
Humanity.
Compassion.
Brotherhood.
Peace.
Harmony.
Freedom.
All of this, and more. Blown up to shreds.
IT all happened in a jiffy !
Mothers wailing, children crying and blood everywhere. Agonising, unbelievable pain.
For me. For all of those who were unlucky enough to be in the wrong place in a horridly wrong time.
For thousands of you out there. It gave us goosebumps. Threatened us out of our reverie.
Today. Such an ominous day. A sad, SAD day.
I'm overwhelmed. This post might not be making sense to you. It isn't making any sense to me either.
It is just a venting out exercise.
I pray for all those who were scarred by this incident in one way or the other.
But then, who am I to pray ? Pray to a God I don't believe in ?
Such a hypocrite.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
For it is only the YOU in you that matters
Life has its devious ways of getting right back at you. Just when you thought you sifted your happy ending out of a mess of nightmares, another one comes hurtling towards you with invincible might. The question is, does it destroy you, or does it make you stronger ?
Life's anything but fair. you'll have a love gone sour, a friendship crumbled to pieces, admirers turned hostile and a future gone bleak. but you know what hurts the most ? When your own self turns its back on you. THAT is when you hear your heart breaking, your world crumbling down around you, and all the other cliches' you can possibly think of. You were your only hope; your only escape from the harsh realities of the world. You can't give up on yourself !
And yet, it happens. Leaves you shattered, alone to pick up the pieces. End of how you knew life, end of the 'you' in yourself.
The real challenge isn't in dealing with the situation. The real challenge lies in getting yourself back.
Get up, dust yourself and get going ! Your self couldn't have gone too far ! look for it; in every corner of this round world until you find it.
And that union, my friend, is the ultimate bliss of all. :)
Life's anything but fair. you'll have a love gone sour, a friendship crumbled to pieces, admirers turned hostile and a future gone bleak. but you know what hurts the most ? When your own self turns its back on you. THAT is when you hear your heart breaking, your world crumbling down around you, and all the other cliches' you can possibly think of. You were your only hope; your only escape from the harsh realities of the world. You can't give up on yourself !
And yet, it happens. Leaves you shattered, alone to pick up the pieces. End of how you knew life, end of the 'you' in yourself.
The real challenge isn't in dealing with the situation. The real challenge lies in getting yourself back.
Get up, dust yourself and get going ! Your self couldn't have gone too far ! look for it; in every corner of this round world until you find it.
And that union, my friend, is the ultimate bliss of all. :)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
I refuse !
Make me the mourner of your tragedy
The executor of your sins
Hear me say this, I refuse to be !
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you win!
A fire mistaken for calm
The calm, for upheaval
As I run away from the nightmares, closer they swarm
Hear me say this, I refuse not to feel !
The tears were all shed for you
(Or so they were thought to be)
As you force me to live life through your tainted view
Hear me say this, I shut my eyes, I refuse to see !
You enter me, my soul exits
The venom of your lust courses through my viens
Hear me say this, I refuse to be the puzzle peice that fits!
Hear me say this, I refuse to let my selfless love be a bane !
Hear me say this, I refuse to be bound by a love so sour
Hear me say this, I refuse to set my chagrin free
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be in unjust power
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be ME...
The executor of your sins
Hear me say this, I refuse to be !
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you win!
A fire mistaken for calm
The calm, for upheaval
As I run away from the nightmares, closer they swarm
Hear me say this, I refuse not to feel !
The tears were all shed for you
(Or so they were thought to be)
As you force me to live life through your tainted view
Hear me say this, I shut my eyes, I refuse to see !
You enter me, my soul exits
The venom of your lust courses through my viens
Hear me say this, I refuse to be the puzzle peice that fits!
Hear me say this, I refuse to let my selfless love be a bane !
Hear me say this, I refuse to be bound by a love so sour
Hear me say this, I refuse to set my chagrin free
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be in unjust power
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be ME...
Friday, July 29, 2011
When two souls fight for one body
She sat timidly in a corner, a desolate, broody girl, whose existence was significant to no one but her own self. One look at her messy hair, her shabby clothes and her unkempt appearance, and you could judge how chaotic her life was. It was as if you can SEE her world crumbling around her; bit by bit, smile by smile, tear by tear.
She hadn't always been this way. As far as her feeble human memory allowed her to dwell, she remembered herself to be a normal girl ; pretty, not beautiful, but happy in every sense of the word. She won't say she embraced life for all it was. She just lived it with a purpose, a sense of fulfillment. She had friends; not too many of them, but a healthy number. She fell in love and out of it, and learned from every challenge life threw her way. Learned, and emerged triumphant.
But this challenge was something she lost to. Life changed, even before she was given a chance to answer the inevitable hows and whens that led to the events that unfolded before her eyes.
IT all started a year ago. She was happy going through her monotonous yet satisfying life, with her support systems never failing her. But something changed. She didn't sense it immediately. No. Maybe she was in denial of it, maybe she willed herself NOT to believe it. But it eventually crawled into her, and gnawed into her happiness. She was deserted; first by acquaintances, then her friends, followed by her best friends and finally, her family. Every time they looked at her, there was a mixed emotion of fear and contempt in her eyes. Why, she could never quite understand. But it made her life a painful ordeal.
They came up to her one day. To confront her, to let her know what brought about such hurtful changes.
"You.......get violent.", they said. " Yes. You get angry and you...you lose control over yourself.", said another. but the most chilling, most horrific of them all came from her ten years old brother. A timid, quiet child, who refused to come anywhere near her simply because she was a "bad" person.
He screamed....
He shouted....
He pierced her very soul with his words...
"YOU KILLED MOMMY ! You stabbed her with a knife over and over again, until she stopped moving. you're a bad person ! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY ! "
And post saying this, he broke into loud, choking sobs.
She kept racking her brains for the slightest of recollection of any of it happening, but in vain. Try as she might, she just couldn't remember any of it ever happening. Why would she kill her own MOTHER ?! She loved her more than her own self, God damn it ! Her warm embrace, her kind smile, her comforting words... she cried herself to sleep every night, pining for it all to come back.
They said she stabbed her mother over and over again in a mad frenzy till nothing was left of her. No screaming, no tears, no struggling; just a motionless body lying in a pool of blood. They said that after it was all over, she simply walked out of the house, only to return an hour later. They said she fell over her mother's body and cried her eyes out, as if she didn't know about the heinous incident that she generated her own self. As if seeing her mother lying there in a coffin hit her hard, hit her unexpectedly.
The truth of the matter was, she did NOT know anything about it ! She didn't remember how her mother was killed, or why her dog was found in the pool with its leash fastened around his neck, or why were her wrists covered in gashes and why was her whole fragile body inflicted with bluish marks. She didn't know what brought about any of these things, and it scared her. All of what she heard, what she saw what the people were saying, just couldn't be true ! She didn't remember any of it. And yet, as they say, it was as true as the existence of this world; prominent and inevitable.
So she sat in the corner ,and cried. Cried for her dead mother, her tortured dog, her damaged body, herself, her existence. Cried till her eyes were painfully sore, till the tears refused to come. And then she just lay there, motionless, her existence significant to no one but her own self.......
She hadn't always been this way. As far as her feeble human memory allowed her to dwell, she remembered herself to be a normal girl ; pretty, not beautiful, but happy in every sense of the word. She won't say she embraced life for all it was. She just lived it with a purpose, a sense of fulfillment. She had friends; not too many of them, but a healthy number. She fell in love and out of it, and learned from every challenge life threw her way. Learned, and emerged triumphant.
But this challenge was something she lost to. Life changed, even before she was given a chance to answer the inevitable hows and whens that led to the events that unfolded before her eyes.
IT all started a year ago. She was happy going through her monotonous yet satisfying life, with her support systems never failing her. But something changed. She didn't sense it immediately. No. Maybe she was in denial of it, maybe she willed herself NOT to believe it. But it eventually crawled into her, and gnawed into her happiness. She was deserted; first by acquaintances, then her friends, followed by her best friends and finally, her family. Every time they looked at her, there was a mixed emotion of fear and contempt in her eyes. Why, she could never quite understand. But it made her life a painful ordeal.
They came up to her one day. To confront her, to let her know what brought about such hurtful changes.
"You.......get violent.", they said. " Yes. You get angry and you...you lose control over yourself.", said another. but the most chilling, most horrific of them all came from her ten years old brother. A timid, quiet child, who refused to come anywhere near her simply because she was a "bad" person.
He screamed....
He shouted....
He pierced her very soul with his words...
"YOU KILLED MOMMY ! You stabbed her with a knife over and over again, until she stopped moving. you're a bad person ! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY ! "
And post saying this, he broke into loud, choking sobs.
She kept racking her brains for the slightest of recollection of any of it happening, but in vain. Try as she might, she just couldn't remember any of it ever happening. Why would she kill her own MOTHER ?! She loved her more than her own self, God damn it ! Her warm embrace, her kind smile, her comforting words... she cried herself to sleep every night, pining for it all to come back.
They said she stabbed her mother over and over again in a mad frenzy till nothing was left of her. No screaming, no tears, no struggling; just a motionless body lying in a pool of blood. They said that after it was all over, she simply walked out of the house, only to return an hour later. They said she fell over her mother's body and cried her eyes out, as if she didn't know about the heinous incident that she generated her own self. As if seeing her mother lying there in a coffin hit her hard, hit her unexpectedly.
The truth of the matter was, she did NOT know anything about it ! She didn't remember how her mother was killed, or why her dog was found in the pool with its leash fastened around his neck, or why were her wrists covered in gashes and why was her whole fragile body inflicted with bluish marks. She didn't know what brought about any of these things, and it scared her. All of what she heard, what she saw what the people were saying, just couldn't be true ! She didn't remember any of it. And yet, as they say, it was as true as the existence of this world; prominent and inevitable.
So she sat in the corner ,and cried. Cried for her dead mother, her tortured dog, her damaged body, herself, her existence. Cried till her eyes were painfully sore, till the tears refused to come. And then she just lay there, motionless, her existence significant to no one but her own self.......
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Trying to justify the randomness from time to time :P
Okay, this is a very random, senseless and thoughtless poem. I wrote it while I was trying to get through a math class alive, so bear with me. I just thought a blog needs to be about ALL of your work, irrespective of how you rate it. :)
Come on now, grab hold of my hand,
Let’s paint this silence, the deepest shade of sands,
The brightest of reds, the dullest of grays,
The gloom of the night, the beauty of the day.
A word unspoken is a word colored,
All our joys and sorrows we left unheard,
Wanting to break free of such a cliché existence,
Tears, smiles, secrets, inhibitions; love in its most twisted sense.
Oh, fly !
Live before you die !
A laugh before a sigh,
And everything shall be alright !
Come on now, grab hold of my hand,
Let’s paint this silence, the deepest shade of sands,
The brightest of reds, the dullest of grays,
The gloom of the night, the beauty of the day.
A word unspoken is a word colored,
All our joys and sorrows we left unheard,
Wanting to break free of such a cliché existence,
Tears, smiles, secrets, inhibitions; love in its most twisted sense.
Oh, fly !
Live before you die !
A laugh before a sigh,
And everything shall be alright !
Saturday, April 30, 2011
.... And every night, he kissed me goodnight
Nothing made him divulge. her cries, her pleading, her tears, her blood.....nothing. Like a hungry python, he kept on swallowing her innocence, bit by bit, inch by inch. The insides of her nails had his flesh in them ; her insides had him. She kept screaming for mercy; screaming and shouting and pleading, until the darkness, the writhing stillness of the scenario silenced her. Her eyes went red with crying, the tears created small puddles of their own. But he, he kept going for more and more of her, hurting her, sickening her, destroying her.
And suddenly, her limbs lost the power to fight. Her brain let go of the will to self-protect. She let him enter her, deeper and deeper, let him take away her soul, making her shallower. There is this crazy look in his eyes. A look which might never die, because the lust is too vast to be quenched. a look that shall remain imprinted in her mind.....forever, and beyond. He touches every pure part of hers, sabotaging the sanctity of her existence. And as his hand travels to the south of her chest, she retches from within. She felt her hope, her happiness, her desire to LIVE being sucked in by him.
Eventually, his lunatic frenzy ended. He got up, gave her one final glare, and left the room, satisfied with tonight's performance. She hoped to give her best to her own task, too. So she got up, put on whatever was left of her clothes, and went up to the mirror hanging on the wall. With a pair of scissors in her hand, she started chopping off chunks of her hair. Her beautiful, flowing her. The tears refused to come. Just a hollow-eyed, dead mortal.
He was supposed to love her, right ? She's been through this a number of times. He was supposed to complete her, to protect her from this inexplicably evil world. He was supposed to hold her in his arms at night, waiting for her to fall asleep. He was supposed to kiss her goodnight, and be the one who woke her up in the morning. He was supposed to.............be the father he essentially was.
And suddenly, her limbs lost the power to fight. Her brain let go of the will to self-protect. She let him enter her, deeper and deeper, let him take away her soul, making her shallower. There is this crazy look in his eyes. A look which might never die, because the lust is too vast to be quenched. a look that shall remain imprinted in her mind.....forever, and beyond. He touches every pure part of hers, sabotaging the sanctity of her existence. And as his hand travels to the south of her chest, she retches from within. She felt her hope, her happiness, her desire to LIVE being sucked in by him.
Eventually, his lunatic frenzy ended. He got up, gave her one final glare, and left the room, satisfied with tonight's performance. She hoped to give her best to her own task, too. So she got up, put on whatever was left of her clothes, and went up to the mirror hanging on the wall. With a pair of scissors in her hand, she started chopping off chunks of her hair. Her beautiful, flowing her. The tears refused to come. Just a hollow-eyed, dead mortal.
He was supposed to love her, right ? She's been through this a number of times. He was supposed to complete her, to protect her from this inexplicably evil world. He was supposed to hold her in his arms at night, waiting for her to fall asleep. He was supposed to kiss her goodnight, and be the one who woke her up in the morning. He was supposed to.............be the father he essentially was.
Friday, March 18, 2011
I love...
I love how riding shotgun in a car with the music drowning my own voice gives me this crazy rush. Like I own the friggin' world !
I love how listening to a particular song brings back a flood of memories, gluing me to the spot. What follows is a resigned shaking of head, a Well-life's-like-that smile, linking of arms with your best friend and trying to put it all behind you.
I love how an inspirational article/video shakes me up. How it makes me introspect, makes me pick out all the unnecessary elements of life and let go of them.
I love how I make a promise to a friend, and then break it. And how she looks into your eyes, smiles, and says, " I knew you's do this. Why do you think I asked you to make a promise in the first place ? "
I love how, at times, all I want to do is listen to sad songs and cry my heart out. The way it makes me feel light is inexplicable.
I love to sit at my room's window with a mug of coffee and watch the rain drench everything. The spitter-spatter, people scurrying to find cover, children playing in the puddles, guys playing football.....Most of all, I love that smile I get from within everytime this happens.
I love how, when I'm feeling utterly defeated and purposeless, I look at my puffy eyes and snotty nose in the mirror, and start laughing. Hard. And just like that, the past one hour never happened !
I love how the only reaction my crying can get out of my friends is, " Ho gaye drame shuru ? BE A MAN ! "
I love how, at times, believing in the existence of a supernatural power makes this assuring calm descend over me. How it can put me to sleep after 3 straight nights of nothing but crying.
I love the smell of petrol. Driving into a fueling station awakens my senses. There's no sane explanation to this. IT just happens to me.
I love how I get this insane adrenaline rush whenever I'm entering a netball court for a match. IF we lose, the world seems to crumble down around me. If we win, well, IT IS PARTY TIME, BABY !!
I love how every song in your playlist suddenly starts carrying a significance to your life. Coldplay, how do you know my life story ?!
I love how, at the time of my last exam, instead of studying for it, I make plans of how to spend the holidays that would follow.
I love how you have such meaningful conversations with your best friends at the most random places possible : During an audition for the school play, the playground, while waiting in line for the school canteen, in the park outside your place....absolutely anymore.
I love how you listen to a song before any of your friends did, and you just can't get enough of yourself !
Life. Love. Lies. Laughter. A broken heart. A mended attitude. A tearful eye. An ear-to-ear grin. A lost friend. A new-found companion. The grilling school days. A calm Sunday morning.
I love everything about life....and more.
It's safe to say,
I finally feel the warmth of the day. :)
I love how listening to a particular song brings back a flood of memories, gluing me to the spot. What follows is a resigned shaking of head, a Well-life's-like-that smile, linking of arms with your best friend and trying to put it all behind you.
I love how an inspirational article/video shakes me up. How it makes me introspect, makes me pick out all the unnecessary elements of life and let go of them.
I love how I make a promise to a friend, and then break it. And how she looks into your eyes, smiles, and says, " I knew you's do this. Why do you think I asked you to make a promise in the first place ? "
I love how, at times, all I want to do is listen to sad songs and cry my heart out. The way it makes me feel light is inexplicable.
I love to sit at my room's window with a mug of coffee and watch the rain drench everything. The spitter-spatter, people scurrying to find cover, children playing in the puddles, guys playing football.....Most of all, I love that smile I get from within everytime this happens.
I love how, when I'm feeling utterly defeated and purposeless, I look at my puffy eyes and snotty nose in the mirror, and start laughing. Hard. And just like that, the past one hour never happened !
I love how the only reaction my crying can get out of my friends is, " Ho gaye drame shuru ? BE A MAN ! "
I love how, at times, believing in the existence of a supernatural power makes this assuring calm descend over me. How it can put me to sleep after 3 straight nights of nothing but crying.
I love the smell of petrol. Driving into a fueling station awakens my senses. There's no sane explanation to this. IT just happens to me.
I love how I get this insane adrenaline rush whenever I'm entering a netball court for a match. IF we lose, the world seems to crumble down around me. If we win, well, IT IS PARTY TIME, BABY !!
I love how every song in your playlist suddenly starts carrying a significance to your life. Coldplay, how do you know my life story ?!
I love how, at the time of my last exam, instead of studying for it, I make plans of how to spend the holidays that would follow.
I love how you have such meaningful conversations with your best friends at the most random places possible : During an audition for the school play, the playground, while waiting in line for the school canteen, in the park outside your place....absolutely anymore.
I love how you listen to a song before any of your friends did, and you just can't get enough of yourself !
Life. Love. Lies. Laughter. A broken heart. A mended attitude. A tearful eye. An ear-to-ear grin. A lost friend. A new-found companion. The grilling school days. A calm Sunday morning.
I love everything about life....and more.
It's safe to say,
I finally feel the warmth of the day. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)