I don't love myself.......I'm crazy about myself ! - Mae West

" How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall "


These two lines from John Mayer's 'Heartbreak Warfare' say it all....and more. We've all done it at some point of our lives, haven't we ? Hung on to something dear, out of fear of losing control. You can see the person writhing to find a way out of your clutches which, until recently, were the warm blanket of genuine care to them. Absurd ? Yes. Unfair ? No. Change is the very essence of life. But it hurts when that addictive companionship is taken away from you mercilessly.
I'm not referring only to people who fell in love and out of it, and the time in between. You may have held on to a friendship gone wrong, a dying kin, your school, your college....anything that made you feel like you're in safe hands and wrapped you in its comfortable and loving embrace. Ah ! But then, you should always be cautious of fate when everything turns a bit too perfect, because it only means that fate is doing the silence-before-an-impending-disaster thing.
For one, such incidents leave you dazed and shattered. And the first question to hit your brain is, " Why me ? " The mightiest blow comes with the next one, " What now ? " You don't know how to get on with life. This person/thing/place was supposed to hold you close to their heart ! How can they just abandon you, leaving you to deal with your issues single-handedly ? You find yourself stuck between your heart screaming, " I WANT MY SUPPORT BACK !! " and your mind putting forth its views with a chilling calm ( and shameless mockery ), " When is it that you'll realise that you aren't wanted in that arena anymore ? Look at you, listening to your heart over me, when you KNOW you're going to regret it later. "
WE all know the heart's the weaker one out here. But we still end up listening to it. Why ? Oh well, for starters, it always seems to suggest things that would be pleasing and easy to deal with. Who wants to go through a reality check anyway, right ? WRONG. I did that. Have been doing that for a very long time now. Believe you me, you'll end up hating yourself for not doing the right thing. For being a coward and seeking solace in acts that, at the end of the day, you could never be proud of.
Hey, you're worth more than that ! Someone doesn't want you in their life, let them go ! There are so many souls out there who's give anything to replace those silly tears with a dimpled smile.
Someone said something to me a few days ago, and it shook me up. Amazingly. She said, " You know what Malvika ? It is high time you learn to love yourself, learn to put yourself before people who do that to you all the time. And no, don't hate them for doing it ! Instead, admire them for pushing you to do it. You're one blessed child on God.....and no one knows that better than you. "


[ PS : I love you, Harkirat. You're one person who can bring me back to my senses in a jiffy. Stay in my life. :) ]

Live, laugh, love ! But don't live on love and then overlook the laugh when the love is taken away from you.
I want to depend on me. I want to get high on my achievements, get bothered by my tears, smile from within when I laugh and most of all, fall in love with myself.
This in no way means that I want to grow self-centered. I just want to wake up to the existence of an amazing me within this mortal body, a me that needs to be loved by, well, me. :P

Thank you for making me realise what I'm worth. I can never hate you for doing this to me. :)
^The person I'm talking about will know. Let's not take names.

I'd like to end this post with a quote which got me thinking :

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. " - Ralph Waldo Emerson

And this 'what' is something I'll grow to love. Love to death. ;)

Departed Love

The red skies, the crescent moon,

They vouch for this scathed soul,

The zenith darkens as we near our doom

I stand by and watch as you gnaw at my incomplete whole.



Your eyes darken, they haunt my dreams,

Glinting with a strange, sadistic contentment,

I find myself tearing away my heart at the realms,

As I discover that the voice was owned but the words were lent.



You, a mere spectator to my failed attempts at restoring the perfect picture by bits and pieces,

Or maybe it is just too perfect to be relived ?

you broaden your wrath as my existence ceases,

I bow my head, silenced by the eerie quiet.......a soul that once lived.



Your lies, they throb through my veins,

Poisoning me, my love, my soul,

Such a horrifying beauty, I suffocate under your reign,

The hallucinations start intervening with this dead life as the days roll.



I laugh, it is such a hollow sound,

Searching for something I once found,

The frizzled emotions, the sly innocence,

I search for bliss in your hell, as you mar my heaven with your vengeance.



Your precarious steps were what this lucid love was made of,

ME, a bitter truth, a bitter existence......the bitter half ?

You place your hand over my heart-it seers,

I hold my breath, trying not to give in to the amplified fears.