Make me the mourner of your tragedy
The executor of your sins
Hear me say this, I refuse to be !
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you win!
A fire mistaken for calm
The calm, for upheaval
As I run away from the nightmares, closer they swarm
Hear me say this, I refuse not to feel !
The tears were all shed for you
(Or so they were thought to be)
As you force me to live life through your tainted view
Hear me say this, I shut my eyes, I refuse to see !
You enter me, my soul exits
The venom of your lust courses through my viens
Hear me say this, I refuse to be the puzzle peice that fits!
Hear me say this, I refuse to let my selfless love be a bane !
Hear me say this, I refuse to be bound by a love so sour
Hear me say this, I refuse to set my chagrin free
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be in unjust power
Hear me say this, I refuse to let you be ME...
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
When two souls fight for one body
She sat timidly in a corner, a desolate, broody girl, whose existence was significant to no one but her own self. One look at her messy hair, her shabby clothes and her unkempt appearance, and you could judge how chaotic her life was. It was as if you can SEE her world crumbling around her; bit by bit, smile by smile, tear by tear.
She hadn't always been this way. As far as her feeble human memory allowed her to dwell, she remembered herself to be a normal girl ; pretty, not beautiful, but happy in every sense of the word. She won't say she embraced life for all it was. She just lived it with a purpose, a sense of fulfillment. She had friends; not too many of them, but a healthy number. She fell in love and out of it, and learned from every challenge life threw her way. Learned, and emerged triumphant.
But this challenge was something she lost to. Life changed, even before she was given a chance to answer the inevitable hows and whens that led to the events that unfolded before her eyes.
IT all started a year ago. She was happy going through her monotonous yet satisfying life, with her support systems never failing her. But something changed. She didn't sense it immediately. No. Maybe she was in denial of it, maybe she willed herself NOT to believe it. But it eventually crawled into her, and gnawed into her happiness. She was deserted; first by acquaintances, then her friends, followed by her best friends and finally, her family. Every time they looked at her, there was a mixed emotion of fear and contempt in her eyes. Why, she could never quite understand. But it made her life a painful ordeal.
They came up to her one day. To confront her, to let her know what brought about such hurtful changes.
"You.......get violent.", they said. " Yes. You get angry and you...you lose control over yourself.", said another. but the most chilling, most horrific of them all came from her ten years old brother. A timid, quiet child, who refused to come anywhere near her simply because she was a "bad" person.
He screamed....
He shouted....
He pierced her very soul with his words...
"YOU KILLED MOMMY ! You stabbed her with a knife over and over again, until she stopped moving. you're a bad person ! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY ! "
And post saying this, he broke into loud, choking sobs.
She kept racking her brains for the slightest of recollection of any of it happening, but in vain. Try as she might, she just couldn't remember any of it ever happening. Why would she kill her own MOTHER ?! She loved her more than her own self, God damn it ! Her warm embrace, her kind smile, her comforting words... she cried herself to sleep every night, pining for it all to come back.
They said she stabbed her mother over and over again in a mad frenzy till nothing was left of her. No screaming, no tears, no struggling; just a motionless body lying in a pool of blood. They said that after it was all over, she simply walked out of the house, only to return an hour later. They said she fell over her mother's body and cried her eyes out, as if she didn't know about the heinous incident that she generated her own self. As if seeing her mother lying there in a coffin hit her hard, hit her unexpectedly.
The truth of the matter was, she did NOT know anything about it ! She didn't remember how her mother was killed, or why her dog was found in the pool with its leash fastened around his neck, or why were her wrists covered in gashes and why was her whole fragile body inflicted with bluish marks. She didn't know what brought about any of these things, and it scared her. All of what she heard, what she saw what the people were saying, just couldn't be true ! She didn't remember any of it. And yet, as they say, it was as true as the existence of this world; prominent and inevitable.
So she sat in the corner ,and cried. Cried for her dead mother, her tortured dog, her damaged body, herself, her existence. Cried till her eyes were painfully sore, till the tears refused to come. And then she just lay there, motionless, her existence significant to no one but her own self.......
She hadn't always been this way. As far as her feeble human memory allowed her to dwell, she remembered herself to be a normal girl ; pretty, not beautiful, but happy in every sense of the word. She won't say she embraced life for all it was. She just lived it with a purpose, a sense of fulfillment. She had friends; not too many of them, but a healthy number. She fell in love and out of it, and learned from every challenge life threw her way. Learned, and emerged triumphant.
But this challenge was something she lost to. Life changed, even before she was given a chance to answer the inevitable hows and whens that led to the events that unfolded before her eyes.
IT all started a year ago. She was happy going through her monotonous yet satisfying life, with her support systems never failing her. But something changed. She didn't sense it immediately. No. Maybe she was in denial of it, maybe she willed herself NOT to believe it. But it eventually crawled into her, and gnawed into her happiness. She was deserted; first by acquaintances, then her friends, followed by her best friends and finally, her family. Every time they looked at her, there was a mixed emotion of fear and contempt in her eyes. Why, she could never quite understand. But it made her life a painful ordeal.
They came up to her one day. To confront her, to let her know what brought about such hurtful changes.
"You.......get violent.", they said. " Yes. You get angry and you...you lose control over yourself.", said another. but the most chilling, most horrific of them all came from her ten years old brother. A timid, quiet child, who refused to come anywhere near her simply because she was a "bad" person.
He screamed....
He shouted....
He pierced her very soul with his words...
"YOU KILLED MOMMY ! You stabbed her with a knife over and over again, until she stopped moving. you're a bad person ! YOU KILLED MY MOMMY ! "
And post saying this, he broke into loud, choking sobs.
She kept racking her brains for the slightest of recollection of any of it happening, but in vain. Try as she might, she just couldn't remember any of it ever happening. Why would she kill her own MOTHER ?! She loved her more than her own self, God damn it ! Her warm embrace, her kind smile, her comforting words... she cried herself to sleep every night, pining for it all to come back.
They said she stabbed her mother over and over again in a mad frenzy till nothing was left of her. No screaming, no tears, no struggling; just a motionless body lying in a pool of blood. They said that after it was all over, she simply walked out of the house, only to return an hour later. They said she fell over her mother's body and cried her eyes out, as if she didn't know about the heinous incident that she generated her own self. As if seeing her mother lying there in a coffin hit her hard, hit her unexpectedly.
The truth of the matter was, she did NOT know anything about it ! She didn't remember how her mother was killed, or why her dog was found in the pool with its leash fastened around his neck, or why were her wrists covered in gashes and why was her whole fragile body inflicted with bluish marks. She didn't know what brought about any of these things, and it scared her. All of what she heard, what she saw what the people were saying, just couldn't be true ! She didn't remember any of it. And yet, as they say, it was as true as the existence of this world; prominent and inevitable.
So she sat in the corner ,and cried. Cried for her dead mother, her tortured dog, her damaged body, herself, her existence. Cried till her eyes were painfully sore, till the tears refused to come. And then she just lay there, motionless, her existence significant to no one but her own self.......
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Trying to justify the randomness from time to time :P
Okay, this is a very random, senseless and thoughtless poem. I wrote it while I was trying to get through a math class alive, so bear with me. I just thought a blog needs to be about ALL of your work, irrespective of how you rate it. :)
Come on now, grab hold of my hand,
Let’s paint this silence, the deepest shade of sands,
The brightest of reds, the dullest of grays,
The gloom of the night, the beauty of the day.
A word unspoken is a word colored,
All our joys and sorrows we left unheard,
Wanting to break free of such a cliché existence,
Tears, smiles, secrets, inhibitions; love in its most twisted sense.
Oh, fly !
Live before you die !
A laugh before a sigh,
And everything shall be alright !
Come on now, grab hold of my hand,
Let’s paint this silence, the deepest shade of sands,
The brightest of reds, the dullest of grays,
The gloom of the night, the beauty of the day.
A word unspoken is a word colored,
All our joys and sorrows we left unheard,
Wanting to break free of such a cliché existence,
Tears, smiles, secrets, inhibitions; love in its most twisted sense.
Oh, fly !
Live before you die !
A laugh before a sigh,
And everything shall be alright !
Saturday, April 30, 2011
.... And every night, he kissed me goodnight
Nothing made him divulge. her cries, her pleading, her tears, her blood.....nothing. Like a hungry python, he kept on swallowing her innocence, bit by bit, inch by inch. The insides of her nails had his flesh in them ; her insides had him. She kept screaming for mercy; screaming and shouting and pleading, until the darkness, the writhing stillness of the scenario silenced her. Her eyes went red with crying, the tears created small puddles of their own. But he, he kept going for more and more of her, hurting her, sickening her, destroying her.
And suddenly, her limbs lost the power to fight. Her brain let go of the will to self-protect. She let him enter her, deeper and deeper, let him take away her soul, making her shallower. There is this crazy look in his eyes. A look which might never die, because the lust is too vast to be quenched. a look that shall remain imprinted in her mind.....forever, and beyond. He touches every pure part of hers, sabotaging the sanctity of her existence. And as his hand travels to the south of her chest, she retches from within. She felt her hope, her happiness, her desire to LIVE being sucked in by him.
Eventually, his lunatic frenzy ended. He got up, gave her one final glare, and left the room, satisfied with tonight's performance. She hoped to give her best to her own task, too. So she got up, put on whatever was left of her clothes, and went up to the mirror hanging on the wall. With a pair of scissors in her hand, she started chopping off chunks of her hair. Her beautiful, flowing her. The tears refused to come. Just a hollow-eyed, dead mortal.
He was supposed to love her, right ? She's been through this a number of times. He was supposed to complete her, to protect her from this inexplicably evil world. He was supposed to hold her in his arms at night, waiting for her to fall asleep. He was supposed to kiss her goodnight, and be the one who woke her up in the morning. He was supposed to.............be the father he essentially was.
And suddenly, her limbs lost the power to fight. Her brain let go of the will to self-protect. She let him enter her, deeper and deeper, let him take away her soul, making her shallower. There is this crazy look in his eyes. A look which might never die, because the lust is too vast to be quenched. a look that shall remain imprinted in her mind.....forever, and beyond. He touches every pure part of hers, sabotaging the sanctity of her existence. And as his hand travels to the south of her chest, she retches from within. She felt her hope, her happiness, her desire to LIVE being sucked in by him.
Eventually, his lunatic frenzy ended. He got up, gave her one final glare, and left the room, satisfied with tonight's performance. She hoped to give her best to her own task, too. So she got up, put on whatever was left of her clothes, and went up to the mirror hanging on the wall. With a pair of scissors in her hand, she started chopping off chunks of her hair. Her beautiful, flowing her. The tears refused to come. Just a hollow-eyed, dead mortal.
He was supposed to love her, right ? She's been through this a number of times. He was supposed to complete her, to protect her from this inexplicably evil world. He was supposed to hold her in his arms at night, waiting for her to fall asleep. He was supposed to kiss her goodnight, and be the one who woke her up in the morning. He was supposed to.............be the father he essentially was.
Friday, March 18, 2011
I love...
I love how riding shotgun in a car with the music drowning my own voice gives me this crazy rush. Like I own the friggin' world !
I love how listening to a particular song brings back a flood of memories, gluing me to the spot. What follows is a resigned shaking of head, a Well-life's-like-that smile, linking of arms with your best friend and trying to put it all behind you.
I love how an inspirational article/video shakes me up. How it makes me introspect, makes me pick out all the unnecessary elements of life and let go of them.
I love how I make a promise to a friend, and then break it. And how she looks into your eyes, smiles, and says, " I knew you's do this. Why do you think I asked you to make a promise in the first place ? "
I love how, at times, all I want to do is listen to sad songs and cry my heart out. The way it makes me feel light is inexplicable.
I love to sit at my room's window with a mug of coffee and watch the rain drench everything. The spitter-spatter, people scurrying to find cover, children playing in the puddles, guys playing football.....Most of all, I love that smile I get from within everytime this happens.
I love how, when I'm feeling utterly defeated and purposeless, I look at my puffy eyes and snotty nose in the mirror, and start laughing. Hard. And just like that, the past one hour never happened !
I love how the only reaction my crying can get out of my friends is, " Ho gaye drame shuru ? BE A MAN ! "
I love how, at times, believing in the existence of a supernatural power makes this assuring calm descend over me. How it can put me to sleep after 3 straight nights of nothing but crying.
I love the smell of petrol. Driving into a fueling station awakens my senses. There's no sane explanation to this. IT just happens to me.
I love how I get this insane adrenaline rush whenever I'm entering a netball court for a match. IF we lose, the world seems to crumble down around me. If we win, well, IT IS PARTY TIME, BABY !!
I love how every song in your playlist suddenly starts carrying a significance to your life. Coldplay, how do you know my life story ?!
I love how, at the time of my last exam, instead of studying for it, I make plans of how to spend the holidays that would follow.
I love how you have such meaningful conversations with your best friends at the most random places possible : During an audition for the school play, the playground, while waiting in line for the school canteen, in the park outside your place....absolutely anymore.
I love how you listen to a song before any of your friends did, and you just can't get enough of yourself !
Life. Love. Lies. Laughter. A broken heart. A mended attitude. A tearful eye. An ear-to-ear grin. A lost friend. A new-found companion. The grilling school days. A calm Sunday morning.
I love everything about life....and more.
It's safe to say,
I finally feel the warmth of the day. :)
I love how listening to a particular song brings back a flood of memories, gluing me to the spot. What follows is a resigned shaking of head, a Well-life's-like-that smile, linking of arms with your best friend and trying to put it all behind you.
I love how an inspirational article/video shakes me up. How it makes me introspect, makes me pick out all the unnecessary elements of life and let go of them.
I love how I make a promise to a friend, and then break it. And how she looks into your eyes, smiles, and says, " I knew you's do this. Why do you think I asked you to make a promise in the first place ? "
I love how, at times, all I want to do is listen to sad songs and cry my heart out. The way it makes me feel light is inexplicable.
I love to sit at my room's window with a mug of coffee and watch the rain drench everything. The spitter-spatter, people scurrying to find cover, children playing in the puddles, guys playing football.....Most of all, I love that smile I get from within everytime this happens.
I love how, when I'm feeling utterly defeated and purposeless, I look at my puffy eyes and snotty nose in the mirror, and start laughing. Hard. And just like that, the past one hour never happened !
I love how the only reaction my crying can get out of my friends is, " Ho gaye drame shuru ? BE A MAN ! "
I love how, at times, believing in the existence of a supernatural power makes this assuring calm descend over me. How it can put me to sleep after 3 straight nights of nothing but crying.
I love the smell of petrol. Driving into a fueling station awakens my senses. There's no sane explanation to this. IT just happens to me.
I love how I get this insane adrenaline rush whenever I'm entering a netball court for a match. IF we lose, the world seems to crumble down around me. If we win, well, IT IS PARTY TIME, BABY !!
I love how every song in your playlist suddenly starts carrying a significance to your life. Coldplay, how do you know my life story ?!
I love how, at the time of my last exam, instead of studying for it, I make plans of how to spend the holidays that would follow.
I love how you have such meaningful conversations with your best friends at the most random places possible : During an audition for the school play, the playground, while waiting in line for the school canteen, in the park outside your place....absolutely anymore.
I love how you listen to a song before any of your friends did, and you just can't get enough of yourself !
Life. Love. Lies. Laughter. A broken heart. A mended attitude. A tearful eye. An ear-to-ear grin. A lost friend. A new-found companion. The grilling school days. A calm Sunday morning.
I love everything about life....and more.
It's safe to say,
I finally feel the warmth of the day. :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A dead calm
It is like a raging fire's seething through my whole being, scathing me internally, venoming my interior.
Like a hundred souls rest within this mortal body, and they break havoc all the time. Chained beasts, writhing and snapping at the locks holding them back, doing away with each link with every single attempt. Not a single one goes wasted. Boring into me, my heart, my soul with that cold, red-eyed gaze of theirs. And no, it does not make me tremble with fear. It just makes the diabolic me stand taller, towering over my calm self.
The malice ,the sheer wish of destroying the other is back. A blinding rage, finding its way out of every little loophole, like a dormant volcano that suddenly came to life. The more you push it down, the more it hits you back with invincible velocity, tearing away at every fibre of your being.
And then, a sudden calm. A smile ,a breath of relief. A look of love, of care, of compassion. Ah ! And we finally get back to normal.........or do we ?
Another one crossing the line, and the peaceful demeanor is shattered to pieces, each one piercing into his body, his mind, is blessed SOUL, as he tries to struggle free of your gripping gaze. A gaze that presses down on every nerve of his, slitting each one of them as it progresses. He bleeds of apologies; He reeks of misgivings. He weeps with regret; he is hit with yet another sin. And just when you thought you won't ever get done with him, he ceases to breathe. Over. You just sabotaged the very core of his being - his conscience...........and now, he is one of you.
Like a hundred souls rest within this mortal body, and they break havoc all the time. Chained beasts, writhing and snapping at the locks holding them back, doing away with each link with every single attempt. Not a single one goes wasted. Boring into me, my heart, my soul with that cold, red-eyed gaze of theirs. And no, it does not make me tremble with fear. It just makes the diabolic me stand taller, towering over my calm self.
The malice ,the sheer wish of destroying the other is back. A blinding rage, finding its way out of every little loophole, like a dormant volcano that suddenly came to life. The more you push it down, the more it hits you back with invincible velocity, tearing away at every fibre of your being.
And then, a sudden calm. A smile ,a breath of relief. A look of love, of care, of compassion. Ah ! And we finally get back to normal.........or do we ?
Another one crossing the line, and the peaceful demeanor is shattered to pieces, each one piercing into his body, his mind, is blessed SOUL, as he tries to struggle free of your gripping gaze. A gaze that presses down on every nerve of his, slitting each one of them as it progresses. He bleeds of apologies; He reeks of misgivings. He weeps with regret; he is hit with yet another sin. And just when you thought you won't ever get done with him, he ceases to breathe. Over. You just sabotaged the very core of his being - his conscience...........and now, he is one of you.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I don't love myself.......I'm crazy about myself ! - Mae West
" How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall "
These two lines from John Mayer's 'Heartbreak Warfare' say it all....and more. We've all done it at some point of our lives, haven't we ? Hung on to something dear, out of fear of losing control. You can see the person writhing to find a way out of your clutches which, until recently, were the warm blanket of genuine care to them. Absurd ? Yes. Unfair ? No. Change is the very essence of life. But it hurts when that addictive companionship is taken away from you mercilessly.
I'm not referring only to people who fell in love and out of it, and the time in between. You may have held on to a friendship gone wrong, a dying kin, your school, your college....anything that made you feel like you're in safe hands and wrapped you in its comfortable and loving embrace. Ah ! But then, you should always be cautious of fate when everything turns a bit too perfect, because it only means that fate is doing the silence-before-an-impending-disaster thing.
For one, such incidents leave you dazed and shattered. And the first question to hit your brain is, " Why me ? " The mightiest blow comes with the next one, " What now ? " You don't know how to get on with life. This person/thing/place was supposed to hold you close to their heart ! How can they just abandon you, leaving you to deal with your issues single-handedly ? You find yourself stuck between your heart screaming, " I WANT MY SUPPORT BACK !! " and your mind putting forth its views with a chilling calm ( and shameless mockery ), " When is it that you'll realise that you aren't wanted in that arena anymore ? Look at you, listening to your heart over me, when you KNOW you're going to regret it later. "
WE all know the heart's the weaker one out here. But we still end up listening to it. Why ? Oh well, for starters, it always seems to suggest things that would be pleasing and easy to deal with. Who wants to go through a reality check anyway, right ? WRONG. I did that. Have been doing that for a very long time now. Believe you me, you'll end up hating yourself for not doing the right thing. For being a coward and seeking solace in acts that, at the end of the day, you could never be proud of.
Hey, you're worth more than that ! Someone doesn't want you in their life, let them go ! There are so many souls out there who's give anything to replace those silly tears with a dimpled smile.
Someone said something to me a few days ago, and it shook me up. Amazingly. She said, " You know what Malvika ? It is high time you learn to love yourself, learn to put yourself before people who do that to you all the time. And no, don't hate them for doing it ! Instead, admire them for pushing you to do it. You're one blessed child on God.....and no one knows that better than you. "
[ PS : I love you, Harkirat. You're one person who can bring me back to my senses in a jiffy. Stay in my life. :) ]
Live, laugh, love ! But don't live on love and then overlook the laugh when the love is taken away from you.
I want to depend on me. I want to get high on my achievements, get bothered by my tears, smile from within when I laugh and most of all, fall in love with myself.
This in no way means that I want to grow self-centered. I just want to wake up to the existence of an amazing me within this mortal body, a me that needs to be loved by, well, me. :P
Thank you for making me realise what I'm worth. I can never hate you for doing this to me. :)
^The person I'm talking about will know. Let's not take names.
I'd like to end this post with a quote which got me thinking :
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. " - Ralph Waldo Emerson
And this 'what' is something I'll grow to love. Love to death. ;)
Is to see how far I fall "
These two lines from John Mayer's 'Heartbreak Warfare' say it all....and more. We've all done it at some point of our lives, haven't we ? Hung on to something dear, out of fear of losing control. You can see the person writhing to find a way out of your clutches which, until recently, were the warm blanket of genuine care to them. Absurd ? Yes. Unfair ? No. Change is the very essence of life. But it hurts when that addictive companionship is taken away from you mercilessly.
I'm not referring only to people who fell in love and out of it, and the time in between. You may have held on to a friendship gone wrong, a dying kin, your school, your college....anything that made you feel like you're in safe hands and wrapped you in its comfortable and loving embrace. Ah ! But then, you should always be cautious of fate when everything turns a bit too perfect, because it only means that fate is doing the silence-before-an-impending-disaster thing.
For one, such incidents leave you dazed and shattered. And the first question to hit your brain is, " Why me ? " The mightiest blow comes with the next one, " What now ? " You don't know how to get on with life. This person/thing/place was supposed to hold you close to their heart ! How can they just abandon you, leaving you to deal with your issues single-handedly ? You find yourself stuck between your heart screaming, " I WANT MY SUPPORT BACK !! " and your mind putting forth its views with a chilling calm ( and shameless mockery ), " When is it that you'll realise that you aren't wanted in that arena anymore ? Look at you, listening to your heart over me, when you KNOW you're going to regret it later. "
WE all know the heart's the weaker one out here. But we still end up listening to it. Why ? Oh well, for starters, it always seems to suggest things that would be pleasing and easy to deal with. Who wants to go through a reality check anyway, right ? WRONG. I did that. Have been doing that for a very long time now. Believe you me, you'll end up hating yourself for not doing the right thing. For being a coward and seeking solace in acts that, at the end of the day, you could never be proud of.
Hey, you're worth more than that ! Someone doesn't want you in their life, let them go ! There are so many souls out there who's give anything to replace those silly tears with a dimpled smile.
Someone said something to me a few days ago, and it shook me up. Amazingly. She said, " You know what Malvika ? It is high time you learn to love yourself, learn to put yourself before people who do that to you all the time. And no, don't hate them for doing it ! Instead, admire them for pushing you to do it. You're one blessed child on God.....and no one knows that better than you. "
[ PS : I love you, Harkirat. You're one person who can bring me back to my senses in a jiffy. Stay in my life. :) ]
Live, laugh, love ! But don't live on love and then overlook the laugh when the love is taken away from you.
I want to depend on me. I want to get high on my achievements, get bothered by my tears, smile from within when I laugh and most of all, fall in love with myself.
This in no way means that I want to grow self-centered. I just want to wake up to the existence of an amazing me within this mortal body, a me that needs to be loved by, well, me. :P
Thank you for making me realise what I'm worth. I can never hate you for doing this to me. :)
^The person I'm talking about will know. Let's not take names.
I'd like to end this post with a quote which got me thinking :
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. " - Ralph Waldo Emerson
And this 'what' is something I'll grow to love. Love to death. ;)
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